It hurts missing you. Like a pale bird with a cracking voice I try to sing for the world, but i’m broken. Unwhole. There’s no more colour on my feathers, they are worn out, gray and lifeless. I feel like a bird, who has lost its touch for what it means to be a bird. Because of that i put myself out of the world, because in my current state, i do not belong in it.

Thats me on my worst days. Most days it feels like theres a splinter stuck in my heart. Its constantly making its mark on my experience. Even though sometimes i might get caught up in something and forget it for a little while, its still there. Constantly giving me tiny doses of the intense pain, that comes from losing a part of yourself. I imagine this splinter to be so tiny that its impossible to pluck out, but its made out of a material that dissolves with time. Although the expiration date of this material is to me still unknown, seemingly endless.

So i go walking around town, doing all these things that we used to do. I go to the second hand stores and its still nice, but whats the point if i have noone to show my new green t-shirt for? I’ll go for a walk but it feels empty. Sometimes it feels like you are walking behind me and holding your hands infront of my eyes. Except you’re not actually here and without you i feel, blind. Blind to the beauty of a walk, blind to the meaning of why im doing things, walking around in the world. Even though we never managed to cook together, i deeply miss the feeling of cooking for you, and being cooked for. Life and everything in it has lost its colour.

But still, i remind myself why we did what we did. Why we chose to leave eachother. Even though our love was still burning as bright as the arctic sun on a summer evening. We both have our own sun shining from deep within us, spreading its light upon the world. But it needs care and love. It needs to be listned to. To ignore it while its screaming loudly, would be the same as ignoring ourselfs, to put ourselfs outside of the world.

And from where would our light radiate then?

We both did what we did to protect our own sun. Both of us knew that if we didn’t, we risked losing ourselfs, and a relationship where the partners have lost themselfs, is not worth having.

We have now embarked on a new journey in life, a new path. Where that path might take us we will only know when we get there. And when we do get there we might look back on the long road, with all its decisions, sacrifices, and only then might we realize that some of them was not worth making. And surely we will also realize that some of them really were worth making. What this decision we’ve made reveals itself to be we cannot know, and we dont gain much from worrying about it. But even though my heart is consumed by the pain of losing you, it is also telling me that we have followed ourselfs, our heart, our sun, our soul, and that is the most wise thing we can do in this world.